Enjoy it While it Lasts

“Enjoy it while it lasts.”

They said

But I didn’t listen

And now the innocent game

Of seeing who could suck their stomach in the farthest 

Isn’t a game anymore

I used to beg my mother to let me use the razor, but she said I didn’t need it

But now a razor sits on the side of the tub to be used every day

The day I squealed when my mother gave me my first bra

Is forgotten in the ocean of puberty

In which I am drowning 

The guilt that hangs over me

After a mood swing sends me running out of the room in tears

I used to get upset when someone said I was physically weak

But now my own words haunt me, “You’re too weak.” 

Emotions rule me

I used to focus on whether my siblings would be able to play

But now it’s 

“Will they be able to talk a second?”

Always the one freeing the time for others

Never the one to have time freed for

Perfection looms as an ever-present shadow

Where the only shadow I used to have to worry about 

Was the one my sister was tracing with chalk on the sidewalk

I used to worry about whether my friend could come over

But now I wonder if my friends even like me

Always the one pursuing

Never the one pursued

I used to run into my mother’s arms in distress

But now I can’t find any arms outstretched towards me

I used to cry out to my father, and my sniffles would disappear as he held me

But now my pillow holds my screams and tears

My shoulders used to shake with laughter

But now they are too burdened to laugh

I used to make myself smile

But now I make myself scream

I used to have scars from falling off my bike

But now all my scars are internal

I used to worry about how many games we could get in

But I worry about how long this will take

I used to glance at myself dressed up like a princess in the mirror

But now I spend twenty minutes staring at the monster I've turned into

I used to be scared of tickle attacks

But now I’m scared of being touched at all

I used to love the world

Until it poisoned me

I used to laugh off the teasing and people’s evil and step back out

But now I hide in the corner, bleeding

I used to envy other kids’ toys

But now I envy other women’s bodies

I used to say, “I can’t wait to grow up.”

But now I’m the one saying, “Enjoy it while it lasts.”